Are you there God, It's me Margaret....

Well, I might as well pray on this thing, b/c no one comes by and reads these things anyway. Unless of course you tell them to, then they'll stop by make a comment or two to patronize you and go on with their life. Really this blog thing is just for myself, something to kill my time and make me feel important, like perhaps I'm contributing to the world somehow. But I'm not. Because you'd think, ohmigosh, gasp - here i am baring my soul to the world and everyone will be able to see me. But no one does. The world is so big, the World Wide Web is so big, I could leave my posts out here and no one would stop by, no one would breaze by on this little path here in a musty corner of the world wide web. One would think that the web was bustlilng with life, crowded with people, stopped with the bottlenecking of real live people surfing interesting sites. But it's not so God, it just makes me think of the real world. I can drive on the freeway, walk down a crowded street in the capital at lunch time and no one sees anyone else. No one cares. Even if you do meet someone who cares, who cares? Your schedules are so jam packed full of crap - full of the hustle and bustle the bottlenecking in cosumer paradises and new wave shopping outlets that no one gets together. There just isn't time. I can't wait to go to heaven God. I know I should be working right now....I just feel so sad. I feel really hopeless. I can say all of these things on the web so confident of my solitude - isn't it weird. Not really, I guess it's like praying in an empty alley. There's no one here. There's no one reading this. I feel lonely, I have never felt so lonely God. I know life isn't about me. I know, why do I feel like I don't really have friends. Is that just a feeling? I guess so, I do have people I can call, people that will drive 5 hours to bring me underwear and sweats after a car accident when I'm strapped to a gurney with my son and my mom is dead. I have friends who will put on a service for my mom, friends who will help me move things in and out of my house, friends who will watch my son and help me fold laundry. Friends who will bring me dinner and sit and talk with me, like tonight. So, is it just me in all my sinfulness, that makes me feel lonely? Am i just being self-focused? Yea, I probably am. All I want to do is sleep, I would want to eat but i hate feeling fat and bloated so the next best thing is sleeping. I am kind afraid of sleeping, b/c I will not want to ever wake up. I don't want to wear real clothes, or make real food. My dream and hope right now is to be dramatic and get out of work and then go home and put on sweats and climb in to bed and lay there until tomorow afternoon. God, is that wrong - what should I expect of myself right now? I feel broken. I feel injured. I feel like I am just not the same. I also feel like I am on some hellacious pathway to becoming an old and bitter woman. I want to kick the cat. I am angry. I don't really want to kick the cat b/c she would feel so sad and confused and afraid if I did kick her. But that is how I feel. I want to hurt myself somehow and torture myself the way I used to. Maybe it's because I still hate myself a lot and it comes in waves now instead of all the time. I guess I am a messed up person God. I am glad that you are with me now, b/c if you weren't I can imagine how mean and hateful I would be. Now I'm thinking what if someone does read this like the "you know who" that will use everything against me person. And I am feeling paranoid. But why in the world would that person ever come to this little peice of heaven here on earth's good soil. Really, who cares. Just b/c this is titled a little peice of heaven and good soil, doesn't mean that it is all roses and that life is sweet and fragrant all the time. Really, good soil is made from compost and compost is really foul stuff, stinky, rotten refuse. That's what makes good soil, everything decomposes and is turned in to mineral rich soil.....I guess right now God, I am in a composting stage. Decomposition of the leftovers. Turning my bad experiences into something that can be used for some good probably a long way off, maybe in the next season. Who knows. I know that that image gives me some hope. The image of just going through a stage - that there will be another era, that this isn't the end all. That I won't be angry and impatient for ever. Well, now i will go back to work. And leave this post there for you and the angels to read over and over agian and of course myself too, when I go on and want to think that I am important or that I have contributed to society in some way. Which I haven't really, b/c this will just sit where ever it is on cyberspace in some frozen region where nothing but ice comets travel and it will take up some emdiocre amount of space on the web about the same amount of space as sneeze particles in the middle of the vast ocean. Well, see ya God. I'll talk to you soon. I love you a lot and am glad that you are here for me. Thanks for my baby and everything else that you have given me too. I am grateful and I do love them, I am just sad right now.